When I first declared to my friends and family that I was now a Christian, sometime in December of 2007, I had arrogantly thought that I was the one who chose God. Little did I know then that it was God who chose me. Boy was I proud. God has done a lot of work on that area of my life...but I know there is still so much more that He needs to peel off. I was also extremely self-righteous.
Over time, I started learning about everything that a Christian should be, and I would strive to be the "perfect Christian" especially around people who weren't Christians. I had to be perfectly able to overcome struggles, perfectly content, perfectly loving and patient towards others and trusted God completely. That did nothing other than turning me into a hypocritical self-righteous judgmental fake prude. I had to know all the right answers to people's opposition to Christianity because I had to "properly defend Christianity and live as the perfect Christian to make up for all the bad image that bad Christians give of Christianity." It had little to do with loving others and I had little understanding of what love really looks like. It was all about me. I was completely self-centered. I was too blind to see that I was the one giving Christianity a bad rep. Then God started opening my eyes to see myself clearly- and I started to realize how ugly I really was on the inside. I started to taste a little bit of God's love and I wanted to know Him more.
Almost 5 years on, this is the only conclusion I have come to.
I am an imperfect human, loved by a perfect God.
His love towards me is real, and His love is strong.
His love is enough for me to overcome all the struggles of this life- which mostly involves me learning to deny myself.
His love towards me never changes, even on days when I am at my worst. Even when I doubt He is real. Or when I wonder if He still loves me after I have disobeyed Him for the thousand time that day.
He firmly holds my hand as I stumble through this journey on my temporary dwelling place.
He forgives me when I make mistakes or sin against Him. But He doesn't stop there. He teaches me how to not make the same mistakes again. Or tells me why I shouldn't "hit myself in the head with a hammer." And because He forgives me, I learn to forgive others as well.
He takes me as I am, and loves me as I am. He already knew all of my faults but still chose to love me before I ever knew Him. That means I can be real with God and with others and I don't have to be a fake anymore. Today I met an agnostic man from Panama. He described himself as having a relationship with "a God." We talked about many different things. At one point, I asked him what he thought God wanted from him. He said he thought God wanted him to be real. Not completely true....God first and foremost wants us to put our faith in Him and love Him with all our heart, mind, soul and strength. But there is some truth to what he was saying. God does want us to be real with Him, with ourselves and with others. And He allows us to be real. Because God loves me and received me as I am, I do not have to be insecure or fake with others anymore.
God reveals Himself to me. Yes He does. And the more I see His beauty, the more I want to be like Him. I want to be holy because God is holy and sin displeases Him. But my human efforts cannot make me like Him. It is a gift that He gives me because He loves me.
He gives me understanding on good and evil. And when I do something wrong He disciplines me as a loving Father. But He never gives up on me. Not once.
And the more I receive His love, the more I want to share it with others.
The more I receive His love, the more I want to obey Him because I understand that His commands are for my good because He loves me.
One day I will see Him face to face and on that day I will be perfect like He is perfect. But until that day comes, His love for me is strong, and His grace is sufficient for me.
And here, I leave you with one of my current obsessions.
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